You and your beau have been together for a while. She probably still loves you, but for some reason she’s saying she doesn’t want a relationship anymore.
You’re here because you’re trying to figure out what to do next. Having your wife or long term partner drop a bomb like this can give you some pretty wild ideas. You might be tempted to buy tickets to Aruba, convinced that all you two need is a vacation, or you may give her the cold shoulder in the hopes that the radio silence will convince her she was wrong to suggest leaving you.
I’m here to be your cooler self.
We’re going to detail a list of concrete steps you can take to win your partner back. I’ll be honest: if she said she doesn’t want a relationship right now, it might be over. But you two have a history. I can just about guarantee that she’s not certain that she wants to leave you. Make the most of that uncertainty by carrying out this playbook to win her back.
She Doesn’t Want a Relationship, But She Likes Me: What to Do
Give Her Space
If she’s voiced a desire to go her separate way, she’s also probably requesting space. She may have already moved out, either staying with a friend or family. Your gut reaction when she tells you it’s over won’t be to back away. It’ll be to shower her with more flowers than you had at even your wedding. You’ll want to call, text, show up at her work, and be in her ear every moment, trying to convince her to take you back.
Don’t do that.
If she told you she wants to end things, this isn’t an invitation to get up in her grill. Backing off doesn’t mean you’re throwing in the white flag, it means you respect her. She may want to end things because she feels you don’t 1) respect her or 2) listen to her. Giving her space shows you’re capable of both.
Of course, if she reaches out to you, feel free to respond. I’m not advocating for the cold shoulder however I am saying that you should refrain from reaching out.
Tell her that you love and respect her and that you plan on fighting for her. Let her know that for now, you’ll give her space, but trust that when she’s ready, she’ll be willing to sit down and talk about your future with you.
She Fell Out of Love With the Old You
Remember this.
The man she fell in love with is different than the one she wants to end things with. Somehow, some way, you’ve changed. It’s time to recapture the younger you. Who was that man she fell for? How did he behave, how did he make her feel, and what made him, him?
During your time apart, it’s time to work on you.
Though I want to make it clear. You’re not working on yourself to get back with her. That’s not the motivation. She may have reminded you that you’re not the man you were, but to create sustainable change that continues long after you’ve won her back, you need to find the intrinsic desire to change.
Change your habits because you find satisfaction in the change, not because you want to appease her.
So what does this change look like?
It could be a lot of things.
What’s something that you’ve been wanting to do for a while? Maybe it’s finally going to physical therapy, getting back into running, learning new relationship and communication principles (like we teach in our program) or finally learning how to make that new dish? It’s okay to start small. The objective is to address negative habits and replace them with good ones in order to create lasting change.
One thing you’ll certainly want to focus on is cultivating empathy and active listening. When she decides she’s ready to have a sit-down chat with you, show her you want to hear her out.
Use her feedback to understand her position and make the necessary adjustments to win her back. If you listen hard enough and ask the right questions she’ll give you the blueprint to getting her back. If not, we can help you in our program.
Get Your Fix Elsewhere
It’s easy to say, stay away from your partner. But how are you supposed to plug that hole now that she’s gone? Regardless of how you try to fill it you’ll feel awful. However, the difference between doing nothing and at least trying to address your emotional and social needs could be the difference between losing her and getting her back.
We know you can’t replace her, but you can seek some of the gratification she provided elsewhere. Chances are you’re now going back to an empty home after work. Instead of wallowing in loneliness, reach out to friends and families. Automate social activities into your life.
This may look like joining a co-ed sports league, starting weekly poker with friends, joining a running club, learning a new skill at an adult education program, or just reaching out to friends and family to hang more often.
I do, however, recommend automating social interactions as constantly reaching out to friends and family to hang out is taxing and sometimes you just won’t have the energy. If you automate it, you no longer need to find the energy to set up plans.
Fill your time with positive interactions, and you’ll be much less likely to reach out. Not to mention, spending time with people you love doing things you love will make you happier. Even if you don’t get back together with your partner, strengthening your social circle will help you heal and see the light at the end of the tunnel of pain you’re going through.
Determine If You Really Want This Relationship or Marriage
In a way your partner just gave you a gift.
She gave you a chance to re-evaluate the relationship or marriage.
How badly do you want this relationship? Is it really worth fighting for or do you think you’d be happier with someone else? Now is the time to not blindly pursue, but rather pick your battle. Are you all in on this woman or do you too thing you two have grown apart in a way that can’t be reconciled.
If you’re like most men who come to us 5 or 10 years into a marriage, you want to save your relationship – but you just don’t know how to do it.
Winning Her Back & Being the Best Version of Yourself
If you’re finding all of this overwhelming or unclear, why not partner with a professional team of marriage experts like us who can guide you through this challenging period?
At emlovz, we’ve designed a comprehensive program that equips you with the tools to grow as a partner and enhance your relationship. I use my own personal story and the experience gained from helping dozens of men win back their partner’s affection to create a blueprint you’ll make your partner fall back in love with you.
Let’s talk one-on-one to explore where you are and how we can help you reach your relationship goals.